Love

Hurt

Hurt: verb(used with object), hurt,hurting. 1.tcause bodily injury to;injure: 2. to cause bodily pain to or in: 3. to damage or decrease the efficiency of (amaterialobject)by striking,roughhouse,improper care,etc.:. Thats what the dictionary defines hurt as, Me, I define it as the worst possible pain you can ever endure, a pain that could have been prevented, something cause my someone or something else who has no regard for the “thing” they are inflicting said hurt on. 

I have never been the kind of girl who falls in love easily, I get attached sure, like most girls I’m sure do, but I have always been the kind of girl that knows if a man whats to be with you he will, he will make it happen if he truly can’t stand to not be with you, he will call, he will text, he will want to spend time with you. The issue for me is that when you have someone who does these things for everyday for 11 months you’re bound to let those walls down and fall, fall into the dark abyss known as love; and that my friends is what happened to me.

I think I fell in love with him around the third month we were together, i didn’t let myself believe it or feel it. Around the 5th month he started telling me he loved me, I would just laugh it off because i didn’t know how to believe someone this great could love me, and I was scared. Finally one night I said it, he heard it and i denied it, just to make him squirm. I did say it again few weeks later and meant it, something between us had changed.  It was real, we were in love.

Now here is where the hurt comes in, in the blink of an eye someone can change, they let others influence their thinking and let others make decisions for them, someone who was once so strong minded was about to let someone else ruin his life. When he first said those words to me “I can’t be your boyfriend right now, I need to work on me” I thought he was kidding, who would push away someone who would move heaven and earth for someone? I knew in my heart something wasn’t right, ladies always trust your gut. Not less than 24 hours later he changed his Facebook picture to one of him and another girl. He never even once let me tag him in a picture, okay maybe once, but this was too much. When I asked him he would repeatedly tell me they were “just friends”, yeah and I’m the tooth fairy. Over the net few months the pain just got worse by him causing more and more hurt with his narcissistic lies and stories.  Through all of this I still loved him, and couldn’t understand why you would want to hurt someone so much that you claim to love, yet here you re with someone new, obviously I meant nothing to you. When you truly love someone, you don’t just move on in 24 hours, i sure as hell didn’t. I can’t even look at anyone else.

Through all of this we still have spoken everyday and seen each other almost every week, and he still continues his lies, lies so he can still get things from me, no not like that, but money, money for gas, cigarettes, bills and i give it to him because I want him to be happy and know that I love him. Never once has he done anything for me, and i don’t ask, what I do ask for is his time. We used to hang out every weekend, now I’m lucky to get an hour of your time and when I do you still ask me for money. As I write this I am realizing what an idiot I am over someone who I love more than anything who obviously doesn’t give a shit about me, or our dog. Did I mention the dog, she’s the sweetest baby in the world, she was his but now I have her, he doesn’t deserve her, he doesn’t deserve either of us, and after today I’m finally done. I can’t do it anymore, Im sick f being this miserable, crying, crazy, girl. Im tired of hurting. Tired of letting someone hurt me over and over again and for what? you have someone new, she’s nothing special we all know that, and your family can’t stand her, but claim it for what it is! Thats the worst part I think is the lying, thats what hurts more than anything.

If you every watched Greys Anatomy, there is a character name Dr callie Torres, She has a patient who comes into the ER for a broken ankle, the patient turn out to be someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, so bad that it kills her, she lost weight to make hr boyfriend happy, so he would marry her. Callie turns to the boy friend and says the most powerful collection of words I have heard in a long time, that I think of all the time

“You didn’t love her! You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love!”

That right there is what I know I NEED to read every day, to get over this hurt I feel, hurt doesn’t get cause by someone who loves you, no those are the people who are supposed to lift you up from the hurt you feel. After this afternoon when he again was seen in a Facebook post with said person, in anther state for their “first trip together” that made me break down completely and have to remain put together on the outside but inside I was falling apart, falling more apart from the tiny string that was still holding me together. In that moment I looked super calm outside but I went him a text letting him know I was done, we were done, this was it. Im over it. Still he denies but I can’t go on believe his lies anymore, its not fair to me. I know I was an amazing girlfriend, I’m not saying I was perfect but I did everything for him, nothing he asked. maybe that was the problem, who knows but I know that I deserve someone who won’t lie, cheat, sue, abuse , take more for granted, someone who will do for me what I d for them, even if I don’t want them to, not someone who literally dropped me like I was last seasons lip color. THAT is what I deserve! No more Hurt, no more, Im too good for this, I know I DESERVE BETTER.

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