This is probably the hardest post ill write, but I think my experience will help someone else who goes through the same thing, and this thing I speak of is heartbreak. Let me be more specific not just heartbreak but literal heart breaking, stomach sinking, can’t stop crying, can’t eat, can’t sleep type of all over physical pain. In order to understand this I need to start at the beginning.
December 17th 2016, I had been on and off of dating sites, (yeah I admit it), for years and never took it serious, until that night. I had matched with a handsome guy named merrr (name changed to protect the douchebag), the app we matched on the girl has to talk first, so I started with an extremely thought out “hey”, I got a response back a few minutes later and we continued to chat, I went home and went to sleep that night not expecting anything. I woke up the next morning and there was a message from merrr, we continued to talk that day and he actually wanted to hang out that day, I wasn’t comfortable with meeting him yet so we decided to get to know each other, we exchanged numbers and talked every day and pretty much all day, he was different than any other guy I had met before, and it scared the shit out of me. We set a date to meet and we discussed that he would come over and we would go grab some food and go downtown, New years eve I had to work and he was with a friend and at 12:30 he called me to wish me a happy new year, saying all sort of cute things, it was that night he asked me to be his girlfriend, we hadn’t even met yet, but I was hooked, we were officially together.
The day came where we met in person, it was a Saturday and we both worked he lived an hour away so he was driving in after work and would meet at my house. I got home changed quick fixed myself up and there was a knock at the door, here we go!, I opened the door to one of the most handsome men I had met in a very long time. I still remember just staring at him for the first hour because I was unsure and nervous, I finally started to get comfortable, and by that I mean drunk, and we were having a great time. It was so nice to have a connection with someone so fast, I knew I was in trouble, and it scared the hell out of me. Time went on and we would spend practically every weekend together and we started to meet each others friends, then the day came and he asked me to come to his house and meet his mom, I was nervous, excited, and scared. This was a big step! His mom was awesome! just as awesome as him. As time went on just like every relationship I guess we didn’t talk as frequently but still everyday and we saw each other at least once a week. Summer came and I had met his father, his cousin, his grandmother, his uncles, he was excited to meet my family when they visited and he told me he loved me, I still hadn’t brought myself to say it but I felt it, I had felt it for a while, I couldn’t imagine losing him. We spent summer together along with his friend and his family, every weekend we were together having fun, laughing, drinking, being us, we were happy, I finally told him I loved him.
I’ll never forget the worst phone call I have every received, merrr’s mom called me screaming and crying, he had been hurt at work and she didn’t know how he was, I knew I had to go to him, I was scared I was going to lose the man I loved! I remember driving not caring about the speed, i left work and all that mattered was seeing his face, I remember driving and asking god not to take him from me, I loved him and I couldn’t lose him, not like this, I got to the hospital and he was ok, I felt so relieved, I didn’t want to let him go, ever. He spent weeks home recovering and we talked every day and I was with him when I could be.
At the end of October he lost his job, this was really hard for him to not work, so he turned to alcohol and a group of people who were just not good for humanity,who only cared about parting 24/7, yet we still managed to spend our time together, that is until one weekend, I still remember it like it was yesterday, I hadn’t heard from him all Friday night and I was worried, he never does that to me, his mother hadn’t heard from him either, but she knew where he was, the next morning I heard from him and I told him I would see him later, I texted him I was on my way, he called me an hour later I was almost to his house and he asked me why I was going there, He was basically telling me not to come see him, and we had plans to see my friend he next day, to make a long story short I went to his house and he left where he was and met me at chilis, I explained to him how I felt and he apologized, I saw him Facebook messaging some girl and immediately didn’t feel right about it, but I brushed it off. The next week he told me he was going to a party and he would send me pictures, he didn’t tell me the party was 20 minutes from me, nor invite me which upset me, One of his friends went live on facebook, and thats when I felt my world shatter. I saw him way to close to some ugly blonde, I was devastated and angry. the next day I was supposed to see him and he called me and told me not to come because the weather was bad and he didn’t want me to drive in it, I was so upset because deep down I knew what was happening, and I didn’t understand. He told me to come the next day, I drove up there and he wasn’t home, his mom called him and he said he would be home soon, 6 hours later nothing, I had it. I went to where he was and walked into the blonde with her he’d on his lap, her head on MY BOYFRIENDS lap, and he was drunker than hell, like he always was lately. He was so mean to me and when I finally got him to come home with me thats when he ripped my heart out, he told me he was in a “dark place” and didn’t want to take me down with him, I told him I didn’t care. He didn’t want to hear it and deep down I knew it was bullshit, he was leaving me for the blonde. I was devastated here was the man I loved leaving me, doing all the things he promised me he wouldn’t. The next day I went to work and wasn’t much good, crying and just miserable, there was a ton of drama that day which resulted in me going to get his dog so I wouldn’t be alone. The trend kept up with him drinking all the time and spending more and more time with people who weren’t good for him, he and our friend changed, all over some trash, thats how I refer to them, they’re not worth names. I went to his house for thanksgiving because I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and he and I talked he said he wanted to work this out when he got his shit together. The next few months he would continue to tell me and his mother that he and “the blonde” were “just fiends” which I never believed.
Let’s fast forward to last weekend when a mutual friend messaged me and asked me how I was, I didn’t think anything of it until she sent me a screen shot of the post where I saw his Facebook relationship was in a relationship with her, the blonde, after months of swearing they were just friends and when I asked him about this Facebook post he still denied they were more than friends. I didn’t mention he’s living with her now since his parents moved, I have also offered him to come stay with me and his dog, but he continues to stay there with his “just friend”. I called him and confronted him and he still swears they are just friends and he told me I read too much into things, like her calling him babe, living with her, her referring to him as her love, I just can’t do it anymore, I don’t know why he continues to lie. If they are just friends and he still cares about me he would be with me, he wouldn’t treat my like trash. I have been trying to stay strong for the last three days not speaking to him but its so hard because I do still love him, but I just cant do this anymore. Im so over the lying and the games. I deserve so much more, I thought he was different. What hurts the most is that i thought he loved me, shit he still tell me he does I sure do love him, with all my heart, he met my family and then a few weeks later were over. When Is see him he still kisses me and acts like everything is fine. I hate this whole thing, but I can’t do this anymore, I know that I didn’t do anything wrong, except maybe love him too much, or more than he deserved. I opened myself up and now I need to save myself.. The last few weeks I have watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy and gone through some drama at work (ill address that separately), I just feel like everything is falling apart sometimes, and hearing from him makes me feel better, but I can’t keep doing this to myself, he knows what he needs to do if he wants to fix this, but then I have to think do I want to fix this? Will he do it again? Until then here I am with his dog, whose now my dog. She’s my everything, my world and I don’t know what I would do without her. I have to agree with adele when she said “time supposed to heal, but I ain’t done much healing”, it still hurts everyday, everyday he’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. Every day I pray that hell come knocking at my door and tell me he’s sorry and he wants to fix us. Time will only tell though. Thanks for listening.
Like Jana Kramer said “I still believe in fairytales” I hope to write more about relationships in the future and if you have any advice please feel free to share!